If you haven’t gotten there yet, you will: that moment when you realize that you may have given birth to Rosemary’s baby. The first time your precious offspring starts acting like Kanye West, humiliating you in public, interrupting others and wearing Gucci, you know you have trouble brewing. Now some of you might say it is offensive to call a young child an A-hole, but I think we all know that there is really no other term to describe their behavior. If they were adults, you would most certainly call them something you can’t say in front of your grandmother.
Here are a few clues that you might be raising an asshole. If your child has ever:
- thrown a sizeable hard toy at your head
- screamed “I hate you” at you in a public place
- asked you “mommy, do you still have a baby in your tummy?”
- squeezed an entire tube of toothpaste out on your counter
- painted your walls with her poop
- shown up with a twin—while technically I know the child didn’t choose this, we all know it’s rude to bring a guest if the invitation didn’t specifically say plus one
- woken up two hours early when you decide to have a few extra drinks the night before
- used your bedspread as a blank canvas for finger painting
- stiff bodied herself so you can’t get her in her car seat in front of a crowd of parents at school (tip: tickle her stomach so she’s forced to sandwich)
- grabbed items off the grocery store shelves as you cart by so that they break on the floor
- ran from you in public forcing you to look like you are abducting her
If you have experienced one or more of these things, or something worse, you are, in fact, raising an asshole. You are not alone. We have all either dealt with or are still dealing with the bi-polar antics of a youngster. The best we can all do is hope that the problem can correct itself once they become teenagers and we have the opportunity to be even bigger assholes back to them. Stay strong! Also, I can’t leave you without mentioning that we are not raising the very first generation of assholes and we should all take the time to call the people who dealt with our former A-hole selves and thank them for not kicking us at out of the house at 4 years old.
DISCLAIMER: For those “mature” parents, I am sure there is much worse coming down the pipe as our kids get older. Not there yet. Stay tuned.
Written by: Alice