Dearest Maternity Clothes,
I’m writing today to tell you it’s over. I just can’t do this anymore.
I’ll admit it. When we were first introduced, I didn’t think I would need you. Your shapeless shirts and enormous elastic waists were unattractive and borderline offensive. I wasn’t going to “buy in” to the hyped up, overpriced maternity clothing market. Tunic tops and black leggings are accepted as public attire and so I completely discounted everything you were bringing to the table. How wrong I was . . .
As I, quite literally, grew into you, something changed. I began to appreciate your full coverage of my ever-more-protruding outie belly button and your flexibility when my ass decided it wanted some cushion for the load. You were there for me when my thighs started to touch, offering expanding leg room and minimal chaffing. Never judging, never bursting at the seams, you held me together, and for that I’ll be forever grateful.
Now I’m not supposed to need you anymore. People are saying it’s time to move on. My husband is sick of seeing me wear belly-bands. But the more people are trying to tear us apart, the more I want you. Every time I zip a zipper or button a button, I think of you. That special way you offer the appearance of real clothes with the comfort of stretchy pants is unparalleled. During my pregnancy, your clever rouse helped me hide the bulging lumpiness, and later you artfully disguised my postpartum F.U.P.A.
While my body has begun shrinking, my love for you continues to grow. Who invented clothes with true waist lines? Why did the baby doll dress ever go out of style for women in their mid-30s? It is apparent that not enough people have spent consecutive weeks in pajama pants on the couch. It’s fucking awesome and makes you question why you ever wore real pants or showered daily in the first place. All pants should come with stretchy waists or tummy taming elastic that can be pulled up to just under your boobs, supporting not one, but two baby bomb sites.
So that we’re clear—it’s not you, it’s me. You are amazing and have been nothing but wonderful to me. I was really able to be myself when I had belly and lower back support. I only wish we had met sooner and under different circumstances. If I had known how much joy you would bring to my life, I would have worn you to every tailgate and college party I attended. Please understand that if I don’t end this obsession now, I will be knocking on the door of retirement in a belly band and empire waste sweater.