My Name is Baby, and I'm a Paci Addict

To some in today’s 30-mpg-on-the-highway-cross-over driving, old-world-vineyard preferring, grad-school-loan-repaying parenting community, suggesting you use a pacifier is the equivalent of telling you to formula-feed your baby while she sleeps on her stomach in a forward-facing car seat. I mentioned the word “binky” in our toddler music class last week, and every mom in the room turned to stare in panicked silence before openly contemplating whether someone should call Child Protective Services.

There are many concerns listed in the Googlesphere regarding the use of pacifiers, each ranking higher than the last on the “shrill harpy” scale of mommy-crazy. According to the most alarmist claims, your paci-sucking baby may never learn to talk, or he’ll have constant ear infections, or he’ll grow up to be a cross-dressing sociopath who tells his victims to put the lotion on the skin. For the sake of balanced reporting, I consulted the Mayo Clinic, my new online source of hypochondria ever since WebMD assured me that my frequent foot-muscle-spasms were definitely cancer. The Mayo Clinic is all, “some people use a pacifier and develop normally,” the way you might say that some people smoke a pack a day and live to be 102.  Then they go on to list the pros of pacifier use, which include soothing your baby when he cries, helping him learn to fall asleep, and reducing his risk of SIDS. The cons include nipple confusion, dependency, and crooked teeth—but only if your kid is still gnawing on his binky at age nine, and then let’s be honest, you’re already in trouble with the meth you’ve been cooking in the basement, you negligent ass-clown. Assuming you have a 12-step program for paci-addicts lined up before his second birthday, grab yourself a handful of rubber nipples from the hospital stash and go forth fostering an oral fixation. I promise it’s worth it.

As anyone who has read the first five pages and then skipped to the middle of The Happiest Baby on the Block will tell you, sucking is one of the “5 Ss” that, when applied in perfect order and coordination, will make your newborn baby stop crying for at least 90 seconds, thereby giving you time to call your husband and demand he cancel the rest of his business trip and fly home from New York immediately, no matter that it’s 11PM and he’s actually in San Francisco. Your baby can also be calmed by sucking on your boob or a bottle, but the former leads to cracked nipples and co-sleeping until college, and the latter to cashing in your 401(k) to pay for extra formula and future summers at fat camp. You may have to work at building the paci habit for a few weeks, but the dividends pay off in the form of faster self-soothing, earlier sleeping through the night, and more frequent passive-aggressive comments from your mother-in-law that confirm your suspicion that she thinks you’re a mediocre parent at best.

Of course, I can’t guarantee you that using a pacifier won’t turn your precious angel into a serial killer—my binky-loving son is just 19 months old, and so far his only questionable behavior toward animals is his stubborn insistence that cows say “boo.” However, I will say with anecdotal certainty that a healthy pacifier habit can stymy a dropped-apple-at-Whole-Foods tantrum, straighten a no-more-car-seat full-body arch, and reverse your baby’s pre-dawn wake-ups that, without fail, follow the nights you decide to open that third bottle of wine. I’m still new at this parenting thing, but in my opinion, extra sleep and avoiding a public scene in the vegan dairy aisle are totally worth the potential future cost of braces and home drug testing kits. And let’s be honest, if you’re still reading my recommendations after the first four posts, you’ll probably be paying for one of those things in a few years anyway.

Written by: Kathleen

Because you can't give them ambien . . .

When it comes to sleep training, there are hundreds of methods and millions of opinions. What is the “right” way to get your child to sleep? First of all, I recommend you approach this from a different angle. What is the right way to get you to sleep? Ultimately, your little one will follow the method that suits you best, and she will feel happy and supported if you are well rested. Think of it as sleep training for you. Below are a few of the most common methods and MY opinions on them. I want to emphasize that these are MY opinions through MY own experience and they come from a parent who had to work full-time. I found that it wasn’t just one of these methods that worked for us, but a combination of them. In other words, skip the album and go for the mixed tape.  

Some things to note before getting started:

#1 - Even the best sleepers will have sleepless nights and even the worst sleepers can learn how to sleep.

#2 - Whatever your situation, make a plan. When your little one inevitably rebels against the method of your choice, make sure you know what your next move is going to be, because at 3am you are about as rational in your thinking as a cat with tape on its feet.

#3 - EVERYONE needs sleep. You are going to be more efficient as a parent and member of the human race if you can keep your eyes open long enough to catch your nocturnal offspring before she scales the chimney. 

THE FAMILY BED (CO-SLEEPING) Championed by hippies, helicopter moms, the emotionally needy, and Alicia Silverstone.

Recommended for: Those with no need for a schedule

What is it? Practice in which babies and young children sleep close to one or both parents, as opposed to in a separate room.

Upsides: You don’t ever have to get up!!! You, Brian Wilson, and your baby can lounge in bed all day somewhere between slumber and sleep. You won’t have to rejoin the world until your child requires solid foods.

Downsides: If co-sleeping continues well into the first year, you run the risk of your child being dependent on you to fall asleep, thus not allowing you to return to a social or romantic life and forcing you to change your sleep patterns to match theirs. Forget wine nights with friends and settle for quickies in the pantry.

Check Out: Beyond the Sling: A Real Life Guide to Raising Confident, Loving Children the Attachment Parenting Way by Mayim Bialik, PhD

NO CRY METHOD Used by Marilyn Manson and the creator of Gangnam style.

Recommended for: Vampires and masochists

What is it? Advocates for parents to lull and sooth their baby to sleep in order to avoid the fear and negative sleep associations that, this theory claims, can develop when a child is put to sleep alone.

Upsides: You get to judge the Cry It Out parents for being cruel and the Co-sleepers for being creepy. Your little one experiences a peaceful transition into sleep and his future is full of rainbows and unicorns, AND you get to hop in and out of bed throughout the evening to quickly replace the pacifier, breastfeed, or lull!

Downsides: This can be an extremely laborious process that can lead to varying results. This method is unrealistic for working parents or anyone that wants to parent with the umbilical cord detached. Imagine working the night shift for several months and only being able to sleep while waiting in the drive-thru line.

Check Out: The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night by Elizabeth Pantley

CRY IT OUT (CIO) Used by Hillary Clinton on Bill after the 2000 election. 

 Recommended for: Those who strive to have a work-baby-life balance and some semblance of a schedule

What is it? Approach that lets a baby cry for a specified period of time, offering comfort at regular intervals, in an effort to teach her how to self-sooth and fall asleep on her own.

Upsides: Better quality sleep for the whole family and your baby learns how to put him/herself to sleep! While the CIO method may appear to be a type of cruel and unusual punishment, its results are indisputable AND it works quickly. This means you can have a relative, a babysitter, or even your pet put your little one to bed while you’re out reconnecting with the friends that remind you of your award-winning personality and distract your from your breast leakage.

Downsides: Requires an enormous amount of resolve. This can be agonizing at the beginning. Hearing your bundle of joy scream until there’s no noise is no parent’s idea of fun. If you can survive what is actually a short amount of auditory torture and come out the other side emotionally intact, then you will reap the benefits. This method sometimes requires you to wash, rinse, and repeat as it doesn’t always stick with round one.

 Check out: Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems by Richard Ferber, MD and Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth, MD

Q&A

My friend said her baby slept through the night after just two weeks. What am I doing wrong?

Your friend is a liar. Find new friends.

 When can I start instituting a bedtime regime?

A routine can start whenever you are ready. However, the right time to get your bundle of joy to sleep 8 solid hours varies depending on the baby. Most online information says 3-4 months old. Be sure to check with your pediatrician to make sure you are both ready.

We’ve tried to let our little one cry it out but just can’t seem to do it. Any suggestions?

Earplugs.

Will using the Cry It Out method turn my child into an animal torturer?  

The jury is still out on this one, but we haven’t found any known connections between sleep training methods and aptitude to torture animals. All adolescent animal torturers are equal part co-sleepers and solo sleepers. If this is a principal concern, I suggest making a choice between the kid or the pet. It’s worth noting that it is harder to leave a toddler in a box outside Kroger than a pet—mostly because toddlers refuse to stay in the box.

 In closing, do some reading. The likelihood of your little one hitting a crime spree at 14 because you did or did not share a bed with him is about as likely as someone naming her child North West Apple Blue Ivy Buttercream. Besides, you will do plenty of other things that will eventually contribute to his delinquency. The biggest thing to remember is to be consistent in your choices.

Written by: Alice

Our baby carriers, ourselves

If you wasted your college degree on an English major like most people I know, you will quickly pick up on the overarching theme of my baby-gear recommendations: Sleep. How, where, when, how long, why not, and dear God please give me some serious but not life-threatening illness like Ebola so that I am forced to spend a few days alone in the hospital where I can rest. Most of the gear you will need in the early weeks of your child’s life is meant to either help you score extra sleep, or prevent you from getting pooped on. Babies don’t actually need much to survive the first month—food, shelter, hugs—but you require these gadgets so that the postpartum hormones and sleep deprivation don’t drive you so bat-shit crazy that you try to gouge your eyeballs out with a nasal bulb.

A baby carrier won’t actually help you sleep, at least not directly, but if you’re lucky the right one will cause your baby to fall asleep, thereby allowing you some free time to make a sandwich or fold laundry or let the dog inside because it’s suddenly occurred to you that he’s been in the back yard for three days and has started hunting squirrels and growing his own vegetables. For your baby, the carrier is the next best thing to returning to the womb—she hears your heartbeat, feels your warmth, and is gently bounced to sleep by the rhythm of your footsteps as you search the house for the corkscrew.

There are roughly 40 billion types of baby carriers on the market, and each one comes embedded with a parenting philosophy and a personal statement about your value as a citizen of the world. The Moby Wrap, for example, says, “I know how to find tutorials on YouTube and I have decent-sized hips.” The Ergobaby conveys the message, “A lot of my friends went to law school, but some sold out early and got an MBA.” I own both of these carriers, but the one my son lived in pretty much non-stop from weeks 4-12 was the Baby Bjorn, which is more of a, “My colicky demon-beast is finally asleep after three hours of crying so take your hysteria about hip dysplasia and shove it up your baby-wearing ass.”

Yes, like everything from produce to pets, baby carriers are a hot-button issue among people without any real survival-related life problems. But all that really matters when it comes to choosing a carrier is, 1) will your baby sleep in it; and, 2) can you get it on and get your baby into it by yourself, preferably with one hand so you don’t have to put your mug of Irish coffee down to adjust the straps. The Bjorn checked both of these boxes for me in the early days, whereas the Ergo became much more useful a few months down the road, and the Moby makes a pretty nice dog bed.

Try a few carriers out and find the one that works for you, regardless of what it says about your political leanings or property taxes. Borrow a friend’s baby, or better yet, use a feral cat to recreate the appropriate weight and degree of cooperation you can expect from your soon-to-be bundle of joy and fulfillment. If you can get the cat to fall asleep before it pisses all over you, you’ve found your carrier, and make sure to add bonus points if you managed not to spill your drink.

Written by: Kathleen