You can see home plate; you’re almost there. But are you? The last trimester seems to crawl by slower than a GOP debate and is as annoying as Donald Trump's duck face. Just as you are getting over being pregnant, you can be sure that everyone else is just as over your pregnancy as you are. Instead of comments on how great you look and how cute your belly is, you are met with an eye roll and expression that clearly says “hasn’t she had that baby yet, she’s been pregnant for forever?” You will notice that all of those email newsletters you signed up for 3 weeks after your positive pee stick are also bored with your pregnancy. Subject lines go from “Congratulations! Your fetus just lost its tail” to “You’re still pregnant and no one cares. Have fun with the next few weeks”.
By the 3rd trimester, your little one is mostly cooked. Aside from some good lung development and fattening up, all of his/her parts are in place. Understandably this is still a crucial stage of gestation, however, it is the most boring and uncomfortable. Are you thinking that you’ve done pretty well so far managing your weight and staying active? Here comes the sneaky 3rd amigo (hmmm…I want a burrito) to take you down. While your baby is spending these last 12 weeks packing on the pounds your bundle of joy will make sure you do the same! In these last weeks, your carb cravings, fatigue, insomnia and possibly even nausea from T1 will re-enter the scene. Even your maternity wear will start feeling snug and the baby is constantly invading your lung space and threatening your bladder control. The pregnancy glow is fading . . . I am guessing that your body does this so that those weirdos (I mean amazing mothers ;)) who love being pregnant don’t decide to hold their babies in for another year. It is setting you up to be okay with the impending eviction of your offspring. The silver lining of the 3rd trimester is that you can welcome an occasional glass of wine into your life to help ease the annoyance.
Keep your eye on the prize these last few months. Any discomfort you feel is nothing compared to the mental and physical exhaustion that will come with excretion of this creature. The trouble they cause outside the womb is exponentially less manageable than what they are doing to your body currently.
Here are a few Dos & Don’ts for that last trimester:
- Do take a spa day: for real, self-pampering goes out the window post-baby or is downgraded to a shower where you have the chance to wash everything (shaving is a thing of the past).
- Do pee alone: this is a luxury and should be treated as such.
- Do come up with a celebrity rider list of completely outrageous things you need your partner to have in the delivery room. While these might not be things you actually “need”, this is a good test of their commitment to support you in everything. For example:
- 5 AC power outlets
- Adequate lighting for a "relaxed atmosphere"
- White drapes to cover unsightly wall paper and/or brick
- 1 Essential Oils Humidifier
- 1 Large throw rug — plush and animal print (Cheetah, Leopard) … must be CLEAN, as I will walk on it barefoot.
- 3 Candles — Archipelago Black Forest (if you can't get these, then don’t bother showing up to the delivery at all)
- 4 Small, clear, square vases with White Tulips, no foliage (2nd choice: White Casablanca Lilies no foliage, 3rd choice: White Freesia, no foliage)
- 6 Dasani waters
- 6 Smart waters
- A jar of organic honey
- Plastic drinking straws that bend
- 1 stick of butter
- Do start your wish list of Netflix series you are saving for post baby: the kind of stuff you can watch while you are only half awake and have something clamped to your nipple.
- Do go to a movie.
- Do go out to dinner with your spouse or friends.
- Do sleep in or lay in bed as long as possible.
- Do cherish the silence and daily showers.
- Don’t Google birthing videos: that kid is going to come out, no need to watch the horror over and over. Unless of course you really have no clue how babies are born, in which case I would recommend phoning your 8th grade health teacher and asking for a quick crash course.
- Don’t decide that you should move to the new home of your dreams. There’s enough “new” in your life that you still don’t fully understand yet. You don’t want to have to be digging in boxes desperate for a shot glass at 3am.
- Don’t panic about not having the baby’s room ready yet. The baby will likely be spending more time on your boob than in that crib in the first few months anyway. Besides, you’ll need something for the in-laws to do when they come to visit!
- Don’t take any tags off baby clothes or gear. They can both be taken back if not used for something much more valuable—diapers!!! You can rarely get to all those precious outfits before your baby grows out of them and the majority of baby gear was specifically engineered to fit a 2-week window in your infant’s life. Usually not worth it.
- Don't leave your spouse. Even if they don't "get you" and why you cry every time you see a commercial for Keeping Up with the Kardashians or when you completely lose your mind because the dishwasher wasn't loaded to your liking. You will need as many hands on deck as possible so try not to completely alienate your squad before the war even starts. This rule really applies for the entire first year P.I.E. (post infant extraction).
- Don’t do crack; crack is whack.
Written by: Alice