The 5 Stages of the Third Trimester

Stage 1 - Denial (Weeks 26-27):

Even though your pregnancy books and apps all tell you that the 3rd trimester does not begin until Week 28, you go ahead and start counting yourself as “in the homestretch” around week 26 when you grow tired of telling people you have three months to go and watching them try to suppress their horror because when they asked your due date, they were certain you were going to say “next week!” given that you look a bit like a dairy cow wearing an empire-waist shirt. Whatever, you’ll be considered full term in 12 weeks, and what does counting ahead a week or two really matter? It’s not a race. There are no medals for absolute accuracy. You’re pretty sure you ovulated a few days early that month anyway. Jeez.

Stage 2 - Anger (Weeks 28-30):

You have to go to the doctor every two weeks now and wait around for 45 minutes just to have someone hold a tape measure to your belly and mumble that you’re “measuring a little big” and maybe should lay off the cream cheese. Your pelvis feels like it’s splitting in half whenever you walk more than a block, your maternity shirts ride up above your protruding belly-button, and after nightly dreams in which you give birth to a two-headed spaghetti squash in the back of an Uber X, you pop awake at 4am and can’t fall back asleep until 25 minutes before your alarm is set to go off. Pregnancy fucking sucks and you are never doing this shit again.

Stage 3 - Bargaining (Weeks 31-33):

Of course you want a healthy, full-term baby born with zero complications…but if maybe you could experience a minor foible, something that is truly nothing but that the medical establishment chooses to handle with an excess of caution to avoid a malpractice lawsuit, just so you would have to be on bed-rest for the next week or maybe three, that would be great. Really not even like *real* bed-rest, more like light bed-rest, like the kind of bed-rest that means you can still go to Target to shop for a cute diaper caddy that matches your pink-and-navy chevron nursery décor, and you can even go for tapas with your best friend for her birthday on Saturday and maybe have half a glass of sangria, but you just can’t do anything strenuous, like empty the dishwasher or go to work, that would be awesome, OK?

Stage 4 - Depression (Weeks 34-36):

Your toddler has brought home a new strain of the Preschool Plague every week for the past month, and the inability to breathe through your nose has moved your 4am wake-up time back to midnight. One of the six slices of that Meat Lover’s Deluxe pizza you ate on Tuesday upset your tummy and aggravated your hemorrhoids, making it hard to sit, stand or walk without audibly swearing at God. Your early morning Googling reveals that Sudafed, Imodium, and Preparation H are all on the list of things that pregnant women might be allowed to take, but probably shouldn’t, because no one has bothered to test to see if they are likely to trigger premature labor or give your baby ADHD. You’re fat, exhausted, and miserable, and the only thing anyone can say to you is, “just wait til the baby arrives,” as if the guaranteed prospect of being more downtrodden and depressed in two months is supposed to magically lift your spirits and send you skipping off to pre-natal yoga classes while singing “Zippity Doo Da” with manic glee. Your husband’s a dick, your friends are all assholes, and you’re going back to bed with a bowl of mac n’ cheese and a bottle of Tums.

Stage 5 - Acceptance (Weeks 37-40):

You have been pregnant forever. You were born this way and this is how it will always be. Even if someone hands you a baby and says it’s your son or daughter, you will remain pregnant with some ethereal being that will kick you in the ribs whenever you bend over to tie your shoes. You have always worn your husband’s gym shorts to the office, and you have never even seen your lady bits. Eating two breakfasts and three lunches is a normal human diet. You start to enjoy the license to make grunting noises when you sit down, and find that 2am is a great time to catch up on your laundry. You’re actually not ready for it to be over yet. Like some sadistic Buddha, Mother Nature will not let that baby come out until you have fully accepted your permanent pregnant status, so go ahead and schedule a pedicure for the weekend after your due date, and maybe plan to take a few vacation days from work so you can enjoy some solo time watching TLC on the couch. The moment you reach gestational nirvana, your mucus plug will fall out and labor will begin. Good luck.

                                            Stage 5: Acceptance...

Written by: Kathleen

Rounding Third!

You can see home plate; you’re almost there. But are you? The last trimester seems to crawl by slower than a GOP debate and is as annoying as Donald Trump's duck face. Just as you are getting over being pregnant, you can be sure that everyone else is just as over your pregnancy as you are. Instead of comments on how great you look and how cute your belly is, you are met with an eye roll and expression that clearly says “hasn’t she had that baby yet, she’s been pregnant for forever?” You will notice that all of those email newsletters you signed up for 3 weeks after your positive pee stick are also bored with your pregnancy. Subject lines go from “Congratulations! Your fetus just lost its tail” to “You’re still pregnant and no one cares. Have fun with the next few weeks”.

By the 3rd trimester, your little one is mostly cooked. Aside from some good lung development and fattening up, all of his/her parts are in place. Understandably this is still a crucial stage of gestation, however, it is the most boring and uncomfortable. Are you thinking that you’ve done pretty well so far managing your weight and staying active? Here comes the sneaky 3rd amigo (hmmm…I want a burrito) to take you down. While your baby is spending these last 12 weeks packing on the pounds your bundle of joy will make sure you do the same! In these last weeks, your carb cravings, fatigue, insomnia and possibly even nausea from T1 will re-enter the scene. Even your maternity wear will start feeling snug and the baby is constantly invading your lung space and threatening your bladder control. The pregnancy glow is fading . . . I am guessing that your body does this so that those weirdos (I mean amazing mothers ;)) who love being pregnant don’t decide to hold their babies in for another year. It is setting you up to be okay with the impending eviction of your offspring. The silver lining of the 3rd trimester is that you can welcome an occasional glass of wine into your life to help ease the annoyance.

Keep your eye on the prize these last few months. Any discomfort you feel is nothing compared to the mental and physical exhaustion that will come with excretion of this creature.  The trouble they cause outside the womb is exponentially less manageable than what they are doing to your body currently.

Here are a few Dos & Don’ts for that last trimester:

• Do take a spa day: for real, self-pampering goes out the window post-baby or is downgraded to a shower where you have the chance to wash everything (shaving is a thing of the past).
• Do pee alone: this is a luxury and should be treated as such.
• Do come up with a celebrity rider list of completely outrageous things you need your partner to have in the delivery room. While these might not be things you actually “need”, this is a good test of their commitment to support you in everything. For example:

1. 5 AC power outlets
2. Adequate lighting for a "relaxed atmosphere"
3. White drapes to cover unsightly wall paper and/or brick
4. 1 Essential Oils Humidifier
5. 1 Large throw rug — plush and animal print (Cheetah, Leopard) … must be CLEAN, as I will walk on it barefoot.
6. 3 Candles — Archipelago Black Forest (if you can't get these, then don’t bother showing up to the delivery at all)
7. 4 Small, clear, square vases with White Tulips, no foliage (2nd choice: White Casablanca Lilies no foliage, 3rd choice: White Freesia, no foliage)
8. 6 Dasani waters
9. 6 Smart waters
10. A jar of organic honey
11. Plastic drinking straws that bend
12. 1 stick of butter

• Do start your wish list of Netflix series you are saving for post baby: the kind of stuff you can watch while you are only half awake and have something clamped to your nipple.
• Do go to a movie.
• Do go out to dinner with your spouse or friends.
• Do sleep in or lay in bed as long as possible.
• Do cherish the silence and daily showers.

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• Don’t Google birthing videos: that kid is going to come out, no need to watch the horror over and over. Unless of course you really have no clue how babies are born, in which case I would recommend phoning your 8th grade health teacher and asking for a quick crash course.
• Don’t decide that you should move to the new home of your dreams. There’s enough “new” in your life that you still don’t fully understand yet. You don’t want to have to be digging in boxes desperate for a shot glass at 3am.
• Don’t panic about not having the baby’s room ready yet. The baby will likely be spending more time on your boob than in that crib in the first few months anyway. Besides, you’ll need something for the in-laws to do when they come to visit!
• Don’t take any tags off baby clothes or gear. They can both be taken back if not used for something much more valuable—diapers!!! You can rarely get to all those precious outfits before your baby grows out of them and the majority of baby gear was specifically engineered to fit a 2-week window in your infant’s life. Usually not worth it.
• Don't leave your spouse. Even if they don't "get you" and why you cry every time you see a commercial for Keeping Up with the Kardashians or when you completely lose your mind because the dishwasher wasn't loaded to your liking. You will need as many hands on deck as possible so try not to completely alienate your squad before the war even starts. This rule really applies for the entire first year P.I.E. (post infant extraction). 
• Don’t do crack; crack is whack. 

Written by: Alice